1 00:00:07,034 --> 00:00:10,172 [Motown music] 2 00:00:10,241 --> 00:00:11,827 - Commercial idea. Ready for this? 3 00:00:11,896 --> 00:00:13,413 Meat: cook that shit 4 00:00:13,482 --> 00:00:14,827 or your ass gonna get sick. 5 00:00:14,896 --> 00:00:16,482 - Ah, that's pretty good, Ned. 6 00:00:16,551 --> 00:00:18,344 - Ah-ah-ah, this one gonna twist your drawers up. 7 00:00:18,413 --> 00:00:20,517 Ready for this? Onion rings: French fries 8 00:00:20,586 --> 00:00:22,793 with pussy holes. 9 00:00:22,862 --> 00:00:24,172 - Whoa. - Hold on, guys. 10 00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,551 Need you to sign in, man. 11 00:00:25,620 --> 00:00:28,586 Sir, I need you to sign in. Sir? 12 00:00:28,655 --> 00:00:30,344 Sir. Sir! 13 00:00:30,413 --> 00:00:31,724 - Aren't you going to stop him? 14 00:00:31,793 --> 00:00:33,275 - All I can do is three "sirs." 15 00:00:33,344 --> 00:00:34,551 He looked all right, though. Glasses... 16 00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:35,862 - Yeah, it's fine. - All right, cool. 17 00:00:35,931 --> 00:00:37,000 Christmas, right? 18 00:00:37,068 --> 00:00:38,137 - Actually, Ned, we gotta go. 19 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,413 We're gonna miss "Chump of the Week." 20 00:00:39,482 --> 00:00:41,000 - Oh, love "Chump of the Week," man. 21 00:00:41,068 --> 00:00:42,344 You think he might do the one about my man 22 00:00:42,413 --> 00:00:43,689 who got the kangaroo in his apartment? 23 00:00:43,758 --> 00:00:45,275 - No, that was last week's chump. 24 00:00:45,344 --> 00:00:46,827 They don't repeat. Come on, Tim, we gotta go. 25 00:00:46,896 --> 00:00:48,310 - And now it's time for Mort Crim's 26 00:00:48,379 --> 00:00:49,965 "Chump of the Week." 27 00:00:50,034 --> 00:00:51,103 - Just in time. - Shh. 28 00:00:51,172 --> 00:00:52,724 - You know who pissed me off? 29 00:00:52,793 --> 00:00:55,620 Dale Stern, the principal of Diana Lewis Elementary, 30 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:58,793 who permanently cancelled pizza Fridays. 31 00:00:58,862 --> 00:01:01,310 Now, if pizza's not healthy, 32 00:01:01,379 --> 00:01:03,379 how come I've never seen a fat Italian? 33 00:01:03,448 --> 00:01:06,344 You, sir, are a pepperoni. 34 00:01:06,413 --> 00:01:08,310 And you are my "Chump of the Week." 35 00:01:08,379 --> 00:01:10,068 - [laughs] Chump. 36 00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,931 Good luck getting an omelet in this town 37 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,000 without a pube in it. 38 00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:14,413 - Yeah, yeah, more like, 39 00:01:14,482 --> 00:01:16,000 good luck trying to get a pepperoni in this town 40 00:01:16,068 --> 00:01:17,206 without a pube in it. 41 00:01:17,275 --> 00:01:18,206 - How's that better? 42 00:01:18,275 --> 00:01:19,586 - Good night, Detroit. 43 00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:21,551 I'm Mort Crim, and that's all the news 44 00:01:21,620 --> 00:01:23,137 from the entire world. 45 00:01:23,206 --> 00:01:24,413 - Dude, well, then you date her. 46 00:01:24,482 --> 00:01:26,000 Listen, bro, she made chicken 47 00:01:26,068 --> 00:01:27,482 in front of a chicken. 48 00:01:27,551 --> 00:01:28,896 The chicken was looking at me like I was crazy. 49 00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:30,758 I'm like, fam, I don't know what to tell you. 50 00:01:30,827 --> 00:01:32,241 So, now I got the chicken in my house 51 00:01:32,310 --> 00:01:34,068 and now I can't eat chicken-- oh, yo! 52 00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:35,517 It's the kangaroo man. 53 00:01:35,586 --> 00:01:37,620 Yo, sir, what's in the pouch? Can I fight it? 54 00:01:37,689 --> 00:01:39,310 I'll beat the shit out of this kangaroo. 55 00:01:39,379 --> 00:01:41,896 [dramatic music] 56 00:01:41,965 --> 00:01:43,068 - ♪ Next time ♪ 57 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,379 ♪ When they ask you ♪ 58 00:01:44,448 --> 00:01:46,344 ♪ Where you're from ♪ 59 00:01:46,413 --> 00:01:48,000 ♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪ 60 00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:52,655 ♪ When we get back on our feet, yeah ♪ 61 00:01:52,724 --> 00:01:54,413 ♪ Yeah ♪ 62 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,103 - Like I said, man, I just keep seeing it. 63 00:01:56,172 --> 00:01:57,482 There was like, five or six of 'em, 64 00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,241 all women, all big as hell, 65 00:01:59,310 --> 00:02:01,620 big ass backs, big ass titties, too. 66 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:04,275 They all had the same scorpion tattoo on their neck. 67 00:02:04,344 --> 00:02:05,965 They was like, "Who do you work for? 68 00:02:06,034 --> 00:02:07,551 Who do you work for?" 69 00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:09,310 I'm looking like, "The goddamn U.S. of A." 70 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,482 And they was like, "Oh!" 71 00:02:10,551 --> 00:02:12,103 And then one of 'em grabbed my-- 72 00:02:12,172 --> 00:02:13,689 - Whoa, what happened, Ned? 73 00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,689 - [sighs] I left the door open last night 74 00:02:15,758 --> 00:02:17,655 and somebody snuck in here and robbed us. 75 00:02:17,724 --> 00:02:18,793 I was at home. 76 00:02:18,862 --> 00:02:20,862 - Oh, crap, my leather jacket! 77 00:02:22,586 --> 00:02:24,413 - We were robbed. - My jacket. 78 00:02:24,482 --> 00:02:27,137 - They took the copy machine and all the paper. 79 00:02:27,206 --> 00:02:28,793 - They didn't take my jacket. 80 00:02:28,862 --> 00:02:30,068 - They took my laptop. 81 00:02:30,137 --> 00:02:31,344 - Look, it could have been a lot worse. 82 00:02:31,413 --> 00:02:32,724 All right? It's just a laptop. 83 00:02:32,793 --> 00:02:34,965 - They took her laptop but not my beautiful jacket? 84 00:02:35,034 --> 00:02:36,413 This robber's a dork. 85 00:02:36,482 --> 00:02:38,413 - They stole my work Scotch. 86 00:02:38,482 --> 00:02:40,344 - Sheila, we can get you new Scotch, okay? 87 00:02:40,413 --> 00:02:42,241 The important thing is that nobody was hurt. 88 00:02:42,310 --> 00:02:43,862 - Sam, they stole your top hat. 89 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,137 - With the holly? 90 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,620 What is wrong with this city? 91 00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:51,689 - Maybe they didn't see the jacket. 92 00:02:51,758 --> 00:02:53,241 - Yeah, but they definitely would have smelled it. 93 00:02:53,310 --> 00:02:54,551 It's brand new. It stinks. 94 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:56,689 - That's true. It stinks bad in here. 95 00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:59,655 - It certainly does. It certainly does. 96 00:02:59,724 --> 00:03:01,689 So, what we were thinking was, we open the showroom 97 00:03:01,758 --> 00:03:03,206 of Garner Weich Furniture, you know, 98 00:03:03,275 --> 00:03:04,965 see chairs, we see sofas. 99 00:03:05,034 --> 00:03:06,482 Then we land on the two of you 100 00:03:06,551 --> 00:03:08,344 sitting in a loveseat, talking directly to camera. 101 00:03:08,413 --> 00:03:10,724 - Oh, no, we don't want to be in the commercial. 102 00:03:10,793 --> 00:03:11,758 - Oh, really? 103 00:03:11,827 --> 00:03:13,482 We think you guys would be great. 104 00:03:13,551 --> 00:03:14,862 - We're afraid people will recognize us 105 00:03:14,931 --> 00:03:18,758 from our user-submitted PornHub video. 106 00:03:18,827 --> 00:03:20,551 - Pardon me real quick, I have to check my email 107 00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:21,413 privately. 108 00:03:21,482 --> 00:03:23,000 - Uh, okay. 109 00:03:23,068 --> 00:03:24,137 Well, in that case, 110 00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:25,482 we hire a spokesperson. 111 00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:26,655 - Oh, what kind of spokesperson? 112 00:03:26,724 --> 00:03:28,034 - Could be a sports figure, 113 00:03:28,103 --> 00:03:29,827 a character actor. 114 00:03:29,896 --> 00:03:31,137 I guess the question is, 115 00:03:31,206 --> 00:03:34,862 who do you want representing your company? 116 00:03:34,931 --> 00:03:36,344 [chuckles] Seriously? 117 00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:38,137 - We would like someone with integrity, 118 00:03:38,206 --> 00:03:39,965 someone that people can trust, 119 00:03:40,034 --> 00:03:41,931 someone with gravitas. 120 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,103 - Could it be an animal? 121 00:03:43,172 --> 00:03:44,655 - Uh, yeah, that'd be great, 122 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:47,206 but we're not allowed to work with animals anymore. 123 00:03:47,275 --> 00:03:48,896 - What happened? 124 00:03:48,965 --> 00:03:52,172 - We glued two bugs together for an exterminator commercial. 125 00:03:52,241 --> 00:03:53,724 - Why? 126 00:03:53,793 --> 00:03:55,448 - To make it look like they were kissing. 127 00:03:55,517 --> 00:03:57,034 - And Mort Crim doesn't usually comment 128 00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:59,517 on commercials, but he called it a "bummer." 129 00:03:59,586 --> 00:04:01,172 - Hey, what about Mort Crim? 130 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,448 - Oh. - He called it a bummer. 131 00:04:02,517 --> 00:04:03,965 The words just came out of my mouth. 132 00:04:04,034 --> 00:04:06,241 - No, no, what about Mort Crim for the commercial? 133 00:04:06,310 --> 00:04:09,310 [both laugh] 134 00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,586 - [laughing] That's... 135 00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:13,620 - [laughing] Eat shit. 136 00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:16,000 - [laughing] Yeah, Mort Crim? 137 00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:17,586 - You don't like him? 138 00:04:17,655 --> 00:04:18,965 - No, we love him. 139 00:04:19,034 --> 00:04:20,206 It's just, you're not gonna get him. 140 00:04:20,275 --> 00:04:21,448 He's freaking Mort Crim. 141 00:04:21,517 --> 00:04:23,586 - Yeah, I mean, if you're Nike, 142 00:04:23,655 --> 00:04:25,206 but it's not gonna happen. 143 00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:26,206 It's impossible. 144 00:04:26,275 --> 00:04:27,620 - Hey. 145 00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:29,103 If you would've told me that someday 146 00:04:29,172 --> 00:04:32,034 I would be married to this incredible woman 147 00:04:32,103 --> 00:04:35,275 and live in the nicest house in Bloomfield Hills 148 00:04:35,344 --> 00:04:37,310 and have these muscles, 149 00:04:37,379 --> 00:04:39,482 I wouldn't have believed you. 150 00:04:39,551 --> 00:04:41,137 In my experience, gentlemen, 151 00:04:41,206 --> 00:04:43,965 anything is possible. 152 00:04:45,862 --> 00:04:47,448 - [mumbles] - You know what? 153 00:04:47,517 --> 00:04:49,620 We'll try. - We believe in you. 154 00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:50,827 - Oh, cool, that should help. - Yeah, sure. 155 00:04:50,896 --> 00:04:52,379 - Yeah, thank you so much. - Great. 156 00:04:52,448 --> 00:04:53,827 - Thanks for coming down. Appreciate it. 157 00:04:53,896 --> 00:04:56,862 - Absolute pleasure. - Drive safe driving home. 158 00:04:56,931 --> 00:04:58,000 [door closes] 159 00:04:58,068 --> 00:04:59,275 - She stomps on his balls. 160 00:04:59,344 --> 00:05:00,482 - [exhales] - He's a naughty boy, 161 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,551 and she stomps on his balls. 162 00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:03,827 - Oh, my God. - I know. 163 00:05:03,896 --> 00:05:06,448 - Let me see it. - Yeah, here you go. 164 00:05:06,517 --> 00:05:09,310 - No! - Ooh! 165 00:05:09,379 --> 00:05:10,758 - Bad boy! - Ooh. 166 00:05:10,827 --> 00:05:12,620 Tim, that jacket stinks like shit. 167 00:05:12,689 --> 00:05:15,275 - Yeah, well, I'm wearing it, so deal with it. 168 00:05:15,344 --> 00:05:17,724 I'm going to meet Mort Crim. 169 00:05:22,517 --> 00:05:25,724 - You can't lock a goddamn door? 170 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,724 These criminal masterminds didn't break a window. 171 00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:29,620 They didn't scale a wall. 172 00:05:29,689 --> 00:05:32,137 They walked in an unlocked door. 173 00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:34,068 [elevator bell dings] - I am so sorry, ma'am. 174 00:05:34,137 --> 00:05:35,655 - Ma'am? Oh. 175 00:05:35,724 --> 00:05:37,827 Do I look like your momma? 176 00:05:37,896 --> 00:05:40,827 Do I look like the one who held your head 177 00:05:40,896 --> 00:05:44,448 in the bathtub till all the brain cells disappeared? 178 00:05:44,517 --> 00:05:46,034 I ain't your momma. 179 00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:47,241 - Wanda? 180 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:48,586 It's really not that big of a deal. 181 00:05:48,655 --> 00:05:50,482 We just lost a top hat and a printer. 182 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,034 - Well, not just a top hat, asshole. 183 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,724 It had a sprig of holly in it. 184 00:05:54,793 --> 00:05:56,413 - Well, I thank you for your input, sirs. 185 00:05:56,482 --> 00:05:58,413 Have a wonderful and safe day. 186 00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:01,689 We at Emperor Security value your input and your things. 187 00:06:01,758 --> 00:06:03,620 - Thank you so much. And take it easy on Ned. 188 00:06:03,689 --> 00:06:05,689 He's the nicest security guard. 189 00:06:05,758 --> 00:06:07,551 - Well, thank you. That's wonderful to hear. 190 00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:08,551 - Yeah, great. 191 00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:12,448 - [chuckles] 192 00:06:12,517 --> 00:06:15,551 They love you, huh? 193 00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:17,310 Aren't you Mr. Popular? 194 00:06:17,379 --> 00:06:19,275 Oh. Oh, you're Joe Cool. 195 00:06:19,344 --> 00:06:21,448 You're Snoopy with the sunglasses. 196 00:06:21,517 --> 00:06:25,103 You screw up one more goddamn time, 197 00:06:25,172 --> 00:06:29,896 and you'll be back-checking hand stamps at Chuck E. Cheese. 198 00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:33,379 - ♪ I got to get myself together baby ♪ 199 00:06:33,448 --> 00:06:35,172 ♪ Yeah ♪ 200 00:06:35,241 --> 00:06:37,310 ♪ Get myself together ♪ 201 00:06:37,379 --> 00:06:42,103 ♪ ♪ 202 00:06:44,448 --> 00:06:46,931 - Uh, two beers, please. 203 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,896 Say, word has it that Mort Crim plays pool here. 204 00:06:49,965 --> 00:06:52,517 Is that true? He wouldn't happen to be here 205 00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,000 now, would he? 206 00:06:54,068 --> 00:06:55,275 [billiard balls scatter] 207 00:06:55,344 --> 00:06:58,310 [Bob Seger's "Hollywood Nights"] 208 00:06:58,379 --> 00:07:01,620 ♪ ♪ 209 00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,724 ♪ In those Hollywood hills ♪ 210 00:07:09,793 --> 00:07:13,000 ♪ In those Hollywood hills ♪ 211 00:07:13,068 --> 00:07:15,827 ♪ She was looking so right ♪ 212 00:07:15,896 --> 00:07:19,482 ♪ In her diamonds and frills ♪ 213 00:07:19,551 --> 00:07:20,758 ♪ Oh those big city nights ♪ 214 00:07:20,827 --> 00:07:22,655 - Better luck next time, Laredo. 215 00:07:22,724 --> 00:07:25,206 Class dismissed. 216 00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:27,862 Yeah, Rachel, another double ginger ale 217 00:07:27,931 --> 00:07:31,034 with a splash of cranberry juice. 218 00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:33,379 - Hi, Mr. Crim. 219 00:07:33,448 --> 00:07:35,000 I'm Sam Duvet. 220 00:07:35,068 --> 00:07:37,275 - I know who you are. We're friends on Facebook. 221 00:07:37,344 --> 00:07:40,724 - Whoa, you--you memorized all your Facebook friends? 222 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,689 - Well, I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't. 223 00:07:42,758 --> 00:07:44,310 - Yeah. - Well--well...ha. 224 00:07:44,379 --> 00:07:46,758 Since we're friends, I don't mind telling you 225 00:07:46,827 --> 00:07:48,310 I never miss a "Chump of the Week." 226 00:07:48,379 --> 00:07:50,344 They ever considered going "Chump of the Day"? 227 00:07:50,413 --> 00:07:52,758 - Well, the suits would like me to do it every hour, 228 00:07:52,827 --> 00:07:54,068 but, you know, what makes it special 229 00:07:54,137 --> 00:07:56,000 is the fact that it's once a week. 230 00:07:56,068 --> 00:07:57,758 It's anticipation. 231 00:07:57,827 --> 00:08:01,103 It's like flirting is sometimes more fun than sex. 232 00:08:01,172 --> 00:08:02,379 - Yeah. 233 00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:03,827 I like the sex, though. 234 00:08:03,896 --> 00:08:05,482 - I like soup, too, son, 235 00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,586 but I just enjoy heating it up first. 236 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,241 - Oh. - [laughing] 237 00:08:09,310 --> 00:08:10,827 both: Ho, ho! 238 00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,655 - Man. - Yes. 239 00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:13,965 - Mort, can we buy you a drink? 240 00:08:14,034 --> 00:08:15,758 - Yeah, you sure can. And food too. 241 00:08:15,827 --> 00:08:17,965 - Yeah... - Yeah, by all means. 242 00:08:18,034 --> 00:08:19,137 - Yeah, we can also order food. We'll all just... 243 00:08:19,206 --> 00:08:20,551 - Yeah. - Yeah, we'll just have 244 00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:21,827 a big ol' supper, all of us. 245 00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:26,586 [Motown music] 246 00:08:26,655 --> 00:08:27,620 ♪ ♪ 247 00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:30,793 - ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 248 00:08:30,862 --> 00:08:32,137 ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 249 00:08:32,206 --> 00:08:34,000 - So I swear to God, I say to Marvin Gaye, 250 00:08:34,068 --> 00:08:35,379 "What's going on?" 251 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:37,551 And it's like a lightning bolt hit, 252 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:39,034 and he says, "Mort, 253 00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:41,413 you know I already did an album with that name." 254 00:08:41,482 --> 00:08:43,068 [both laugh] 255 00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:45,862 - Oh, Mort, I hope it's not crossing a line, 256 00:08:45,931 --> 00:08:48,206 but...we run a small ad firm 257 00:08:48,275 --> 00:08:51,413 and we'd love for you to come and be the spokesperson 258 00:08:51,482 --> 00:08:52,965 for Garner Weich Furniture. 259 00:08:53,034 --> 00:08:55,137 - We know it's just a local commercial, 260 00:08:55,206 --> 00:08:58,620 but when we think of a name that people trust, 261 00:08:58,689 --> 00:09:00,724 only one comes to mind. 262 00:09:00,793 --> 00:09:02,448 - A man who taught us about the world. 263 00:09:02,517 --> 00:09:04,758 The man who picks us up on our worst days 264 00:09:04,827 --> 00:09:06,551 and cheers us on in our best. 265 00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:08,482 The man we rely on. 266 00:09:08,551 --> 00:09:10,413 Mort Crim. 267 00:09:10,482 --> 00:09:12,586 - So, what's the commercial about? 268 00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:14,482 - Oh, it's--it's great. 269 00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:17,275 You point to a pull-out couch and you say, 270 00:09:17,344 --> 00:09:19,275 "Come on down to Garner Weich Furniture, 271 00:09:19,344 --> 00:09:22,034 where we don't sleep on savings." 272 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,241 - No, no, no, no. I mean, what's the big idea? 273 00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:26,517 Why--why do this commercial now? 274 00:09:26,586 --> 00:09:29,655 - Uh...yeah. - Sell--sell furniture. 275 00:09:29,724 --> 00:09:31,448 - No, no, no. I mean, the commercial's got to 276 00:09:31,517 --> 00:09:34,000 speak to what people really care about. 277 00:09:34,068 --> 00:09:35,758 Now, what do you do on a sofa? 278 00:09:35,827 --> 00:09:37,655 You watch TV, you read to the kids, 279 00:09:37,724 --> 00:09:39,172 you pay some bills. 280 00:09:39,241 --> 00:09:41,344 But it's a place where you think about the things 281 00:09:41,413 --> 00:09:45,206 that really matter to you: the economy, health insurance, 282 00:09:45,275 --> 00:09:48,413 ISIS, North Korea. It's not a sofa. 283 00:09:48,482 --> 00:09:51,482 It's Plymouth Rock. 284 00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:54,620 You want to sell furniture, you go get Guy Gordon. 285 00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:57,793 You want Mort Crim, you better be ready to get real. 286 00:09:57,862 --> 00:10:00,034 - Well, sir, we're ready to get real. 287 00:10:00,103 --> 00:10:01,068 - Yes. - All right, now, 288 00:10:01,137 --> 00:10:04,137 let's get down to brass tacks. 289 00:10:04,206 --> 00:10:05,379 Who shit in his pants? 290 00:10:05,448 --> 00:10:07,275 - It's Tim's jacket. - Shut up. 291 00:10:07,344 --> 00:10:09,551 - It stinks. 292 00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:13,965 - Should we say "sturdy" or "dependable"? 293 00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:16,000 Like, which one sounds more like Mort? 294 00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:19,448 - I think he would say "sturdy" and "dependable." 295 00:10:19,517 --> 00:10:21,482 - "Sturdy and dependable." That's perfect. 296 00:10:21,551 --> 00:10:22,517 That sounds just like Mort. 297 00:10:24,827 --> 00:10:26,689 - Father in the picture? 298 00:10:26,758 --> 00:10:29,068 Good, good. - Hey, Mort. 299 00:10:29,137 --> 00:10:30,896 - Hey, guys, this script is fantastic. 300 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:32,206 - Oh. - Right here, 301 00:10:32,275 --> 00:10:34,896 where it says "sturdy," you mind if I say 302 00:10:34,965 --> 00:10:36,275 "sturdy and dependable"? 303 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,275 - Ha. Go right ahead, Mort. 304 00:10:38,344 --> 00:10:40,413 - I mean, you really captured my voice. 305 00:10:40,482 --> 00:10:42,758 It's like I wrote it myself. 306 00:10:42,827 --> 00:10:45,206 Might want to do a few changes on the fly. 307 00:10:45,275 --> 00:10:47,103 - Oh, no problem, absolutely. - Mm-hmm. 308 00:10:47,172 --> 00:10:49,172 - We are all set. Are you ready, Mr. Crim? 309 00:10:49,241 --> 00:10:51,137 - Well, no, but that's never stopped me. 310 00:10:51,206 --> 00:10:53,724 - [chuckles] - [laughs] 311 00:10:53,793 --> 00:10:55,068 [laughing] Come on. 312 00:10:55,137 --> 00:10:57,413 - Lay off the gas, man. - Shut up, Tim. 313 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:58,517 - Mort cares. 314 00:10:58,586 --> 00:11:01,068 Here we go. 315 00:11:01,137 --> 00:11:03,068 - And...action. 316 00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:04,793 - Hi, I'm Mort Crim. 317 00:11:04,862 --> 00:11:07,965 I'd like to talk to you about Garner Weich Furniture. 318 00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:09,965 It's sturdy and dependable 319 00:11:10,034 --> 00:11:11,724 and oh, so fluffy. 320 00:11:11,793 --> 00:11:14,517 We here at Garner Weich understand the importance 321 00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:17,068 of comfort in an uncomfortable world. 322 00:11:17,137 --> 00:11:19,206 The economy in shambles. 323 00:11:19,275 --> 00:11:21,724 Unemployment at an all-time high. 324 00:11:21,793 --> 00:11:23,103 And the chilling reality 325 00:11:23,172 --> 00:11:24,482 that we're living every moment 326 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:27,482 in the bloodthirsty crosshairs of ISIS. 327 00:11:27,551 --> 00:11:29,379 - What? - Folks, I won't sugarcoat it. 328 00:11:29,448 --> 00:11:31,965 ISIS won't stop until every last one of us 329 00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:33,655 is pink mist in the wind. 330 00:11:33,724 --> 00:11:34,689 - Cut. 331 00:11:34,758 --> 00:11:35,965 - That's not in the script. 332 00:11:36,034 --> 00:11:37,586 - Yeah, we'll get him back on track. 333 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,517 - Yeah, no worries. 334 00:11:39,586 --> 00:11:40,793 - That felt good. 335 00:11:40,862 --> 00:11:41,965 - Yeah, it was great. 336 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,000 - Absolutely perfect. 337 00:11:43,068 --> 00:11:44,620 - The one note is, 338 00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:46,965 maybe on this one, don't do the ISIS stuff. 339 00:11:47,034 --> 00:11:48,517 - I'm giving you gold. 340 00:11:48,586 --> 00:11:49,827 Don't make me shovel crap. 341 00:11:49,896 --> 00:11:51,793 - Yep. - Yeah, we--we won't. 342 00:11:51,862 --> 00:11:53,172 - Did you tell him? 343 00:11:53,241 --> 00:11:54,517 - Yeah, we gave him the note. 344 00:11:54,586 --> 00:11:56,068 - So, he's going to stick to the script? 345 00:11:56,137 --> 00:11:58,068 - He's gonna talk about ISIS. And action. 346 00:11:58,137 --> 00:12:00,517 - ISIS, let's settle this thing once and for all. 347 00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:03,275 You choose your best man, send him here to Garner Weich 348 00:12:03,344 --> 00:12:06,344 to fight me, Mort Crim. 349 00:12:06,413 --> 00:12:09,758 Winner take all. You win, America's yours. 350 00:12:09,827 --> 00:12:13,034 I win, you give democracy a good old college try. 351 00:12:13,103 --> 00:12:14,793 Plus, there's a cash prize. 352 00:12:14,862 --> 00:12:16,724 25,000 to the winner. 353 00:12:16,793 --> 00:12:19,206 25K, take home, tax-free, 354 00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:22,551 put up by my good friends at Garner Weich. 355 00:12:22,620 --> 00:12:23,551 - Cut. 356 00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:24,758 - Print that one. 357 00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,758 [upbeat Motown music] 358 00:12:27,827 --> 00:12:29,172 ♪ ♪ 359 00:12:29,241 --> 00:12:31,137 - Whoa, whoa, sir-- ah, ah, ah. 360 00:12:31,206 --> 00:12:33,827 My man, get your big ass over there and sign in. 361 00:12:33,896 --> 00:12:35,793 Before I get up there and pop your head like a pimple. 362 00:12:35,862 --> 00:12:37,413 Pop. - You can't touch me. 363 00:12:37,482 --> 00:12:39,379 You can only say "sir" three times. 364 00:12:39,448 --> 00:12:40,827 - [laughs] 365 00:12:40,896 --> 00:12:42,103 New day, fat ass. 366 00:12:42,172 --> 00:12:43,586 New Ned, too. 367 00:12:43,655 --> 00:12:46,482 New balls on this new Ned are bigger, stronger. 368 00:12:46,551 --> 00:12:47,793 I'm geared up. 369 00:12:47,862 --> 00:12:50,586 Pepper spray, handcuffs, big-ass flashlight, 370 00:12:50,655 --> 00:12:52,448 rubber gun. 371 00:12:52,517 --> 00:12:54,241 Don't tell nobody my gun rubber, neither. 372 00:12:54,310 --> 00:12:56,655 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sign in. 373 00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:58,379 - What? - Since when? 374 00:12:58,448 --> 00:13:00,241 - Since I let a robber come in here and make a fool out of me. 375 00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:01,655 - All right, well, why don't you just close the door 376 00:13:01,724 --> 00:13:02,758 properly when you leave? 377 00:13:02,827 --> 00:13:05,620 - It's not about the door, Sam! 378 00:13:05,689 --> 00:13:07,931 - [laughs sarcastically] 379 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,137 - What's up? - [sighs] 380 00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,275 Wanda was going crazy on me, 381 00:13:10,344 --> 00:13:11,551 talking about firing me, 382 00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:13,034 sending me back to Chuck E. Cheese. 383 00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:14,275 I'm not going back to Chuck E. Cheese. 384 00:13:14,344 --> 00:13:16,103 The guy wore his real jeans. 385 00:13:16,172 --> 00:13:17,586 - What...? - Like, his real jeans 386 00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:19,379 from home. Like, jeans, a shirt, 387 00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:20,724 big-ass Chuck E. Cheese head. 388 00:13:20,793 --> 00:13:22,586 - Son of a bitch. - I can't take that, man. 389 00:13:22,655 --> 00:13:24,413 - Yeah, yeah, no, I know. I'll tell Sam. 390 00:13:24,482 --> 00:13:27,344 - Yeah, tell Sam. - Yeah, I will, I will. 391 00:13:27,413 --> 00:13:29,241 - Toby, no sunglasses in the building, man. 392 00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:30,724 Take 'em off or I'll whoop your ass. 393 00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:31,896 - Just sunglasses, man. 394 00:13:31,965 --> 00:13:33,103 - Well, then, just take 'em off 395 00:13:33,172 --> 00:13:35,586 your big, Frankenstein-ass head. 396 00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:37,793 - Okay, Ned. I'll take off the sunglasses. 397 00:13:37,862 --> 00:13:39,275 - I know you will. 398 00:13:39,344 --> 00:13:41,758 Because I am not going back to Chuck E. Cheese. 399 00:13:41,827 --> 00:13:43,896 - People always ask how Garner Weich Furniture 400 00:13:43,965 --> 00:13:45,655 keeps its prices so low. 401 00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:47,413 - Oh, I hope Mort's okay with the edits we had to make. 402 00:13:47,482 --> 00:13:49,137 - He'll be fine. He's a pro. 403 00:13:49,206 --> 00:13:50,827 He knows, at the end of the day 404 00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,620 it's all about pleasing the client... 405 00:13:52,689 --> 00:13:53,965 - What's our secret? 406 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,758 Detroit newscasting legend Mort Crim. 407 00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:57,896 - Hi, I'm Mort Crim, and I guarantee 408 00:13:57,965 --> 00:13:59,655 I will kill... - Prices. 409 00:13:59,724 --> 00:14:01,689 - I will slash...in half. - Prices. 410 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,344 - I'm gonna smoke... - Prices. 411 00:14:03,413 --> 00:14:04,827 - Out of their hiding places, and rip... 412 00:14:04,896 --> 00:14:06,620 - Prices. - Apart with my bare hands. 413 00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:08,724 This watermelon is... - Prices. 414 00:14:10,344 --> 00:14:11,827 Prices. - You just bought yourself 415 00:14:11,896 --> 00:14:13,827 a one-way ticket to hell. 416 00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:15,034 - Huh? - Actually not bad. 417 00:14:15,103 --> 00:14:16,482 - Pretty good. - Yeah. 418 00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:17,620 - Garner Weich Furniture. We hate high... 419 00:14:17,689 --> 00:14:18,827 - Prices. - Pretty good. 420 00:14:18,896 --> 00:14:20,310 - Well, son of a butcher. 421 00:14:20,379 --> 00:14:21,931 Normally I don't comment on the commercials, 422 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,448 but that's not what I said. 423 00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:25,379 It just sucks being tricked. 424 00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:27,068 - Oh. 425 00:14:27,137 --> 00:14:31,689 - Moving on, a sinkhole in Clinton Township caused a... 426 00:14:31,758 --> 00:14:33,448 You know what? 427 00:14:33,517 --> 00:14:35,379 I'm gonna do something I usually reserve 428 00:14:35,448 --> 00:14:36,931 for the end of the show. 429 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,482 But I'm doing it now. Queue it, Donnie. 430 00:14:39,551 --> 00:14:42,655 - And now it's time for... 431 00:14:42,724 --> 00:14:45,620 - Oh, no. - Oh, God, please don't do it. 432 00:14:45,689 --> 00:14:48,068 - Sam Duvet and Tim Cramblin, 433 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,344 local businessmen and liars, 434 00:14:50,413 --> 00:14:52,620 are my "Chumps of the Week." 435 00:14:52,689 --> 00:14:53,965 And that's that. 436 00:14:54,034 --> 00:14:56,206 [dramatic music] 437 00:14:58,275 --> 00:15:01,137 [mellow Motown music] 438 00:15:01,206 --> 00:15:02,344 - Morning, chumps. 439 00:15:02,413 --> 00:15:03,586 - You're fired. - Sam... 440 00:15:03,655 --> 00:15:05,275 - Oh, whatever. 441 00:15:05,344 --> 00:15:08,068 I didn't sleep at all last night. 442 00:15:08,137 --> 00:15:09,896 I'm "Chump of the Week." 443 00:15:09,965 --> 00:15:11,689 I wish I was dead. 444 00:15:11,758 --> 00:15:13,551 I wish I was somebody else. Not you, though. 445 00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:14,758 You're "Chump of the Week" also. 446 00:15:14,827 --> 00:15:16,862 - Yeah, man, I know that. - Mm. 447 00:15:16,931 --> 00:15:19,172 - I told Chrissy. She didn't give a crap. 448 00:15:19,241 --> 00:15:22,758 - Oh, she's a Philistine. An uneducated idiot. 449 00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:23,758 - Tommy! 450 00:15:23,827 --> 00:15:25,620 - Uh-uh. Clean that up right now. 451 00:15:25,689 --> 00:15:27,103 - But you guys are "Chumps of the Week." 452 00:15:27,172 --> 00:15:28,379 - Clean it! 453 00:15:28,448 --> 00:15:30,310 - The hell he thought he was doing? 454 00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:31,724 - We just gotta wait the week out. 455 00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:34,482 - No, no, no, no, no. - What? 456 00:15:34,551 --> 00:15:36,586 - Mort Crim unfriended me from Facebook. 457 00:15:36,655 --> 00:15:38,137 Fuck! 458 00:15:38,206 --> 00:15:41,206 - Good morning, chumps. [both groan] 459 00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:43,965 You received many boxes of diarrhea 460 00:15:44,034 --> 00:15:45,241 this morning in the mail. 461 00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:46,793 - Ugh, boxes of diarrhea? 462 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,379 I used to be the one sending diarrhea 463 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,620 to "Chumps of the Week." I'm the one getting them? 464 00:15:50,689 --> 00:15:53,620 - I hate that it's us but I-I respect these people's passion. 465 00:15:53,689 --> 00:15:54,689 - Yeah. 466 00:15:57,275 --> 00:15:58,896 Tommy! 467 00:15:58,965 --> 00:16:00,206 - Let's go, building closed. 468 00:16:00,275 --> 00:16:02,137 Berenstain Bear, Mary J. Blige, let's go. 469 00:16:02,206 --> 00:16:03,965 Whoa, whoa, whoa, cornbread. 470 00:16:04,034 --> 00:16:05,413 What did I tell you about wearing sunglasses 471 00:16:05,482 --> 00:16:06,758 in my building, man? 472 00:16:06,827 --> 00:16:08,620 - Not to wear 'em. - What are you doing? 473 00:16:08,689 --> 00:16:10,724 - I'm leaving. - Not with these. 474 00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:12,517 You don't get your big, Jon Arbuckle-looking ass 475 00:16:12,586 --> 00:16:14,620 out of here, now, move! 476 00:16:14,689 --> 00:16:16,724 Hey, Toby, man, why you always the last one 477 00:16:16,793 --> 00:16:17,793 in my building, man? 478 00:16:17,862 --> 00:16:19,206 - I work late. - "I work late." 479 00:16:19,275 --> 00:16:20,965 Take your fat ass home, man. What's wrong with you? 480 00:16:21,034 --> 00:16:22,758 You got a smart-ass mouth, you know that? 481 00:16:22,827 --> 00:16:24,448 I refuse to go back to Chuck E. Cheese. 482 00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:25,965 The mouse wears real jeans! 483 00:16:26,034 --> 00:16:30,103 [rousing music] 484 00:16:30,172 --> 00:16:33,137 - It's even more incredible than I've ever imagined. 485 00:16:33,206 --> 00:16:35,034 - In...credible. 486 00:16:35,103 --> 00:16:37,448 - [laughs] There's Mort. 487 00:16:37,517 --> 00:16:40,379 ♪ ♪ 488 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:47,655 - That's all right, guys. I know these fellas. 489 00:16:51,379 --> 00:16:52,758 - Hey, Mort. 490 00:16:52,827 --> 00:16:55,724 - Mort, we feel just awful about that ad. 491 00:16:55,793 --> 00:16:57,551 - You should. - We came here to tell you 492 00:16:57,620 --> 00:16:59,344 we are gonna air the version of the commercial 493 00:16:59,413 --> 00:17:00,448 where you threaten ISIS. 494 00:17:00,517 --> 00:17:02,517 - It actually tested very well. 495 00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,448 - That's great of you fellas to come down here, 496 00:17:04,517 --> 00:17:06,137 but I can't take back "Chump of the Week." 497 00:17:06,206 --> 00:17:07,448 - [sighs] - I didn't do it 498 00:17:07,517 --> 00:17:08,862 for Rasheed Wallace. 499 00:17:08,931 --> 00:17:11,344 I can't do it for you. I hope you understand. 500 00:17:11,413 --> 00:17:13,172 - [sighs] We understand. 501 00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:16,586 - Did you guys get your boxes filled with crap? 502 00:17:16,655 --> 00:17:17,793 - Yes. - Mm-hmm. 503 00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,793 - [chuckles] God, I love this town. 504 00:17:19,862 --> 00:17:22,482 Excuse me, guys, I gotta go do the news. 505 00:17:26,965 --> 00:17:28,379 - Whoa. - We always thought 506 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:29,655 you were sitting. 507 00:17:29,724 --> 00:17:31,931 - Welcome to the magic of television. 508 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,793 [lively music] 509 00:17:34,862 --> 00:17:37,517 ♪ ♪ 510 00:17:43,586 --> 00:17:45,517 [engine revs] 511 00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,034 ♪ ♪ 512 00:17:50,517 --> 00:17:53,551 - Good evening, Detroit. I'm Mort Crim. 513 00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:56,068 A wedding party in Southfield turned ugly today 514 00:17:56,137 --> 00:17:58,482 when a bunch of ugly people showed up. 515 00:17:58,551 --> 00:18:01,310 [both laughing] 516 00:18:01,379 --> 00:18:04,275 [tense synth music] 517 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:05,931 ♪ ♪ 518 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,448 - Got your ass now. 519 00:18:08,758 --> 00:18:11,068 Time to make the doughnuts. 520 00:18:11,137 --> 00:18:14,103 ♪ ♪ 521 00:18:23,275 --> 00:18:24,862 Got your ass now, punk! 522 00:18:24,931 --> 00:18:27,931 Mm-hmm, I'm about to squeeze a charley horse out your ass. 523 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,758 [gun squeaking] 524 00:18:29,827 --> 00:18:31,172 Okay, wait, the gun is real. 525 00:18:31,241 --> 00:18:32,655 The floor must be rubber. I don't know what's-- 526 00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:34,551 [both screaming, grunting] 527 00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:36,275 - Oh, shit. - Aah! 528 00:18:36,344 --> 00:18:38,448 [both screaming] 529 00:18:39,724 --> 00:18:41,413 - Uh-huh, your ass ain't going nowhere. 530 00:18:41,482 --> 00:18:42,689 [laughs] 531 00:18:42,758 --> 00:18:43,862 Aah! 532 00:18:43,931 --> 00:18:46,517 - [grunting] 533 00:18:46,586 --> 00:18:48,379 - Don't want to tire yourself out. 534 00:18:48,448 --> 00:18:49,896 Aah! 535 00:18:49,965 --> 00:18:50,689 [both grunting] 536 00:18:50,758 --> 00:18:51,896 [distant sirens wailing] 537 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,103 - [chuckles] 538 00:18:53,172 --> 00:18:54,724 You think I didn't call for backup? 539 00:18:54,793 --> 00:18:57,413 Time to see who your ass is once and for all. 540 00:18:57,482 --> 00:19:00,137 Oh, my God. 541 00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,724 I've never seen you before in my life. 542 00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,344 - And now it's time for... 543 00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:10,379 - You know who pissed me off? 544 00:19:10,448 --> 00:19:12,448 My Facebook friend Mark Saganuti. 545 00:19:12,517 --> 00:19:16,137 When somebody famous dies, don't just post a story 546 00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:18,413 about a time you met them. 547 00:19:18,482 --> 00:19:20,931 So, Mark, you are my "Chump of the Week," 548 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,206 - Ha, chump. 549 00:19:22,275 --> 00:19:24,172 I hate it when Mark does that. 550 00:19:24,241 --> 00:19:25,448 I know him, too. 551 00:19:25,517 --> 00:19:27,103 Oh, I'm Facebook friends again with Mort. 552 00:19:27,172 --> 00:19:29,034 - Oh, that's great. - Mm-hmm. 553 00:19:29,103 --> 00:19:31,655 - Hey, I got you something, buddy. 554 00:19:31,724 --> 00:19:32,724 Quintin. 555 00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:37,310 - [gasps] - I know it's not 556 00:19:37,379 --> 00:19:39,896 the same one you were Snowcoming King in, but... 557 00:19:39,965 --> 00:19:43,965 - Oh, I was king of the dance and everyone twirled around me. 558 00:19:44,034 --> 00:19:45,482 Oh, thank you, buddy. 559 00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:46,586 - Yeah. 560 00:19:46,655 --> 00:19:48,241 - And no holly. 561 00:19:48,310 --> 00:19:50,379 I mean, but it's fine. It's the thought that counts. 562 00:19:50,448 --> 00:19:51,517 - Yeah. [chuckles] 563 00:19:51,586 --> 00:19:53,034 - It's not that hard to find holly. 564 00:19:53,103 --> 00:19:54,172 But it's fine. - Yeah. 565 00:19:54,241 --> 00:19:55,551 - Here's your beers, you guys. 566 00:19:58,862 --> 00:19:59,862 - Cheers, buddy. 567 00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:00,931 - Cheers, buddy. - I love ya. 568 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,793 - Love you. 569 00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:07,310 Final appeal, pal, please lose that jacket. 570 00:20:07,379 --> 00:20:08,620 It stinks to high heaven. 571 00:20:08,689 --> 00:20:10,172 - Yeah, you know, I have thought about it, 572 00:20:10,241 --> 00:20:11,793 it does stink, but it's leather. 573 00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,931 It's a process. And it looks cool on me, 574 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,655 so it's not going anywhere. 575 00:20:15,724 --> 00:20:17,172 - Hey. [laughs] 576 00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:18,620 Twinsies. Same jacket, I... 577 00:20:18,689 --> 00:20:19,862 - This is not my jacket. 578 00:20:19,931 --> 00:20:21,103 I don't know what you're talking about. 579 00:20:21,172 --> 00:20:23,172 Bye, nerd! Keep walking. 580 00:20:23,241 --> 00:20:25,241 Keep walking, nerd. Bye! 581 00:20:25,310 --> 00:20:26,620 Thank you. Cool. 582 00:20:26,689 --> 00:20:28,137 I won't wear the jacket anymore. 583 00:20:28,206 --> 00:20:29,586 - Good night, Detroit, 584 00:20:29,655 --> 00:20:32,034 for now until the sun comes up. 585 00:20:32,103 --> 00:20:34,172 [Motown music] 586 00:20:39,344 --> 00:20:41,379 [lively music] 587 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,655 - Is what we experience real 588 00:20:43,724 --> 00:20:46,448 or is reality a computer simulation 589 00:20:46,517 --> 00:20:49,241 constructed by an advanced alien race? 590 00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:52,517 For more, our sports reporter, Jim Caputo.